Do Men Need Community?

Do men need community?

by derekmaul

Men building community at a retreat I led in Virginia last year

Today I’m continuing to expand my thinking on the concept of “Life-charged community.” I’ve been exploring the idea that many men work hard to arrange their lives in such a way that their relationships never go far below the surface (we’re talking at church, at work, at home, with friends, and with their God). They work hard to avoid going anywhere near the deeper places where emotion and vulnerability and fear and intimacy remain carefully hidden away.

We could blame the culture we were raised in, I guess. But my peers and I are the baby-boom generation. We’re not kids any more! Now we are the people who are in a position to effect change.

So why would we continue to bow to the demands of the status quo? Unless, that is, we’ve discovered that we’re comfortable with “the way things are”?

• Or maybe we’ve bought into the lie – often perpetuated by men’s ministry advocates – that “Real men don’t do vulnerable”… and that God would advocate for a reversion to male chauvinism in the church…!
• Or maybe we’ve become fearful of change?
• Or maybe all that ‘rage against the machine’ was nothing more than hot air?
• Or maybe we own the machine now and we have too much invested in dysfunction to risk personal growth…?
• Or maybe we’re scared of losing the tentative grip on control we’ve been clinging to all these years?

In working on my new book this morning I identified some elements that must be in place if we’re to build life-charged community. Here are a few:

• Trust
• Confidentiality
• Honesty
• A willingness to listen
• The absence of judgment
• Love
• Commitment
• Accessibility
• Faithfulness…

Life-Charged Community in Colorado

I also addressed the LAME excuse many guys give that “I’m not a natural when it comes to ‘that kind of thing’….

Well, it turns out it doesn’t matter if we are “naturals” at friendship or if we’re actually better suited to retreating into our shell. Either way, the fact remains that all men – Christian or not – need the kinds of connections I’ve been writing about. Just because something requires more effort from some guys than others doesn’t negate the value of the principle in question! 

The guy who says, “I’m not any good at making friends” is no more – or less – in need of life-charged community than the guy who has – naturally – a dozen friends or more without even trying. We were created for relationship with God and we were created for relationship with other people; building community is absolutely necessary for any man who wants to engage his full potential.

Always learning something more about living the "Life-charged Life"

This is not a conversation about personal strength, or the ability to “tough it out”, or “man up”, or “suck it in”…. The man who distances himself from deep, open-hearted, loving relationships with other men is necessarily compromised in terms of “The Life-charged Life.”

OK, so I get a little pointed there. So be it. If we’re going to move beyond the dysfunction that has beset our society in so many ways, a little proactive community-building really isn’t that much to ask, is it?

- DEREK

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Extreme Faith plus Bold Action!

EXTREME FAITH plus BOLD ACTION… equals a rich harvest

by derekmaul

Ray, Greg, Ben - Disciples of Christ movers & shakers

Yesterday evening I enjoyed a most excellent conversation with a few members of the planning team responsible for putting together the upcoming “Bethany 2012″ Gathering for Disciples of Christ Men. The event – EXTREME FAITH, BOLD ACTION! – is expected to draw between three and five hundred participants from all over the USA, and will be held at the historic Bethany College campus, July 13-15, 2012.

My role is “keynote speaker.” I’ll also be teaching a workshop and presenting a motivational word at the conference opening, but my Main Thing will be the 90 minutes I have Saturday evening.

What has impressed (and continues to impress) me about “Bethany 2012″ is the level of commitment and creativity that’s coming out of the planning process:

• The first promotional videos were released several months ago
• There is constant interface with regional representatives
• Targeted marketing is already under way
• The level of belief and enthusiasm coming from the organizers is inspirational.

That’s why I agreed to appear in some of their promos, even though I’m a little unsure when it comes to my video “presence”. Here’s the latest (around 2 minutes). And then – at the end of this post – you can watch the short “musical invitation” from yours truly. You’ll notice my guitar playing is not exactly polished… but that’s the idea. I’m not all shiny and polished, and we’re counting on that sense of authenticity being part of the appeal.

The planning teams’ enthusiasm is contagious.In fact, the biggest concern that came out of our Monday conference call was, “What if 500 men – or more – sign up? What is the maximum number this facility could handle?”

I love it! I love the sense of “can-do” and the way these men are embracing the possible rather than simply looking at the trends of the past decades and concluding that men’s ministry is, “Dead in the water, so why bother…” And, believe me, I hear that doom-and-gloom message time and again when I talk to church leaders. In fact it’s one of the reasons I wrote GET REAL: a spiritual journey for men in the first place.

But I also hear – and see – signs of hope, and especially from those who have read GET REAL or who have participated in a small group study. So now, four years after GET REAL was released, I’m writing a new book that is designed to look – specifically – at where and how we can be charged with new life.

Because, if we want to see a harvest, it’s not enough just to believe. Belief may be a pre-requisite, but over the long haul it’s going to come down to stepping forward in terms of EXTREME FAITH & BOLD ACTION. Check out the next video, and then please pray not only for the ongoing work of the Disciples of Christ Men’s Ministry initiative, but for all men. I for one am convinced that there’s restoration and revival in the making.

Enjoy! (And, yes, it’s OK to laugh at me….!)

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Pleasure is nowhere near as important as life

Pleasure is nowhere near as important as life

by derekmaul

Italian cheese

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15 (NIV)

This week I’m taking some time to write about what I call “The Gourmet Initiative” (in my new book). So I’ll start with this mouth-watering photograph. The cheese is Italian (special import and not widely available). The olive wood cutting board was made in the Chianti region of Tuscany and just a few miles from the village where Andrew lives. The knife – a true European chef’s blade – was my birthday gift from Rebekah.

Okay, so what does this cheese have to do with anything? Well, first off, it has a rich flavor that is at once both inviting and satisfying. Then – and this is where the scripture comes in – it represents an essential concept in the life-charged life… and that’s the idea of re-charge.

Gourmet does not mean excess: Too often, when I throw out the concept of gourmet living, people confuse the idea with Epicureanism or hedonism. But it’s not pleasure I’m after here, it’s life.

Epicurus (who lived around 300 BC) believed that pleasure is the greatest good. He wasn’t focused on consumption and high-living; he believed the way to attain pleasure was to live modestly, to pursue knowledge and to seek pleasure without excess. Epicurus valued simplicity and friendship.

What we understand as hedonism today, however, pushes the pursuit of pleasure beyond the constrains Epicurus valued. Hedonism in the 21st Century is associated with ideas like over-indulgence, excess, gluttony, waste, intoxication, hangover, orgy, debauchery etc.

Epicurus had some great ideas, but he was wrong about what really counts. He failed to understand that pleasure is not only more satisfying but more attainable when it comes along as a by-product rather than an end in itself.

Interestingly, there was a happiness quiz in PARADE magazine this weekend. Rebekah was impressed that I answered all the questions correctly. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot. So it was no surprise to me that research agreed that those who try to be happy are less likely to be happy: “The pursuit of happiness can actually backfire, say experts at the University of Denver. People who place a high value on happiness have, on average, 17 more symptoms of depression than those who don’t.”

Simple, satisfying, good

Sunday Message: Rebekah, in her sermon yesterday, talked about how important it is that – once in a while – we rest in the truth of what is good, and enjoy the view instead of placing so much focus on “pulling weeds.” Her message resonated with me, so it’s no surprise that I paid attention when this scripture popped up on my radar this morning – “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” (Isaiah 30)

The whole point of my “Gourmet initiative” is not hedonism, or even a classic Epicureanism that is more restrained. Because, even though Epicurus was closer to the truth, he still believed that pleasure was the greatest good. No, my gourmet initiative is all about pursuing excellence – the best, and understanding that the best is only possible when we engage our fundamental nature as children of God. When our focus is on what is good/holy, then we are not driven (by dissatisfaction) to excess. Instead we experience pleasure because we are satisfied.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

Pleasure, then, becomes a by-product of satisfaction, a result of living into our potential as followers of The Way. Instead of pursing pleasure for its own sake, what works best is to focus on repentance, rest, quietness and trust. Such an approach is kind of like a spiritual cheese board. We’re not preparing rich sauces and working on complex recipes, but instead place a simple hunk of cheese on a slab of wood with a knife and take a deep breath.

Satisfied...

To me, the cheeseboard represents that pause, a mini-retreat during the day, where something simple and good is not only considered but actually tasted. Not fancy, not over-prepped, just a hunk of cheese on a piece of wood with the call for a return to simplicity, goodness, excellence, the fundamentals of creation… pause.

O taste and see that the Lord is good; happy are those who take refuge in him. (Psalm 34:8)

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