So, instead, I thought I'd post my response to another one of those classic "Ten Things Men Need to Know About Women" articles I came across recently. The world would be a much better place, the writer suggested, if the X-Y population simply took the time to understand.
Here's some Monday morning satire:
Twelve Things Women Need to Understand About Men
Having read another waiting room article suggesting "Ten Things Men Need to Know About Women," I thought it was time that some information flowed in the opposite direction.
- We don't like bugs any more than you do. Men think roaches and spiders are disgusting. We only handle those things, at great personal cost, and because we love you.
- Ditto the above regarding hair-balls, cleaning dog po off the carpet, and those dead - typically decapitated - remains the cat sometimes leaves on the porch.
- This may come as a shock, but we also don't enjoy giving ourselves hernias, moving really heavy stuff, digging out shrubbery that shares root systems with the foundation of the house, or changing tires in the rain.
- But... men do love to do things for women. We're not sure exactly why, but it makes us feel important. So we try to fix things, including appliances we have no business touching; and we buy you useless stuff you don't need. Humor us. If it's an evolutionary thing, we'll eventually get over it.
- "Chick-Flicks," are really okay, just so long as something actually happens in the movie. It's not so much that we're for sex and violence as it is that we are against spending all that money to watch Hollywood celebrities playact the same pathetic failed relationships they pursue in real life.
- We acknowledge that we are often stupid, just don't confuse that with insensitive. There is an important distinction. Also, please understand the difference between the concepts "clueless" and "contentious". Being witless does not mean we deliberately intend to cause problems.
- Related to #6, above, neither do we intentionally fail to read your minds. Being from this planet, men don't actually have ESP.
- Nobility is not dead. Many men are still honorable, virtuous, courageous, gallant, and courteous. For examples, see #s 1, 2, 3, & 4 above.
- We really have no idea what we did to make you angry, so please help us out. If we knew, we wouldn't have done it, or we would have apologized by now . . . or we would at least have started trying to fix stuff around the house.
- Dr. Phil is not helping! While we do acknowledge that women are more highly evolved than men, we don't need it rubbed in all the time. We are no more like Mike Tyson than the average woman is like Barbie. Give us a break already.
- Men have hormones, too. It's called "andropause;" you can look it up if you don't believe me. Okay, so "male menopause" is more psychological than physical, but it wouldn't hurt to be sensitive when a man says "just hold me." Or, you could simply offer us a cold beer.
- I didn't write this list. I just found it sitting on my desk. I think my friend Gerard made it up. I don't agree with anything it says.