Tuesday, February 12, 2013

10 Reasons I'd Be A Great Choice for Pope

I’d totally rock the Pope hat!
img-thing doubt I’m the first person to write about this, but since I learned of Pope Benedict XVI’s decision to retire at the end of the month I keep thinking of reasons I’d be an awesome selection for Bishop of Rome.
  1. I would totally rock the Pope hat!
  2. I’m not Catholic: Seriously, I think this is a huge advantage I have over, say, anyone currently in theCollege of Cardinals. As the first non-Catholic pope I’d likely be the only pontiff in two-thousand years without the psychological scars earned from being beaten by nuns during the primary grades.
  3. I’m married: Not only is this another significant advantage over my rivals the cardinals, but it means that – unlike every other Pope in history – I wouldn’t have the hassle of asking for that embarrassing “table for one,” wondering what do Saturday nights, or having to decide “who gets a Valentine and who doesn’t?”
  4. The Pope thing would do a lot to help my book sales: I checked my Amazon “author ranking” earlier today and – believe me – I could use the boost.
  5. My son Andrew already lives in Italy: My guess is this would get him some instant street cred. Plus I could see the Vatican Museum after hours. Last time I was there it was like DisneyWorld on a busy holiday weekend.
  6. I have my new Twitter handle ready to go: @PONTIFicator! ‘Nuff said.
  7. I’ve read both The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons: Point is I already know most of the cool secret stuff.
  8. I play the guitar: I imagine you’ve heard of The Singing Nun? You get the picture.
  9. I’m an American: The Vatican may have invented the global reach of corporate power, but we perfected the concept here in the U.S.. Imagine what the Holy See could do with a couple of aircraft carriers at its disposal?
  10. _______________? Fill in the blank: I’m sure my readers can come up with some additional qualifications Pope Derek would bring to the office….
“Waiting for the white smoke” (or – more likely – a carefully targeted bolt of lightning!) - DEREK

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